Tuesday, August 7, 2012


With the ratification of Fair Work Australia’s award system, pricing for coffee will have to alter.
Now follow carefully.
A normal coffee served Monday to Friday between 7am and 10pm will be $3.80 with a wage component of $1.20. However if that coffee is served after 10pm then add 12c to make it $3.92 and if served after 12 midnight add another 5% or 18c to make the price $3.98.
But, if that coffee is served on Saturday add 30c to give a total of $4.10 and $4.25 and $4.55 for service times from 10pm to 12 midnight and 12 midnight to 7am respectively.
For Sunday add 60c making the normal coffee $4.40 with time allowances altering the price to $4.58 and $4.87 respectively.
Be prepared with your credit card for public holidays because the new price of coffee will be $5.60 plus allowances for times making the sell price $5.90 and $6.05.
Now for each of those prices we need to add meal allowance, uniform allowance and a split shift allowance but as these will be venue specific we cannot include it albeit be prepared to add 23c for a meal allowance, 11c for a spit shift and another 5c for uniform.
Therefore a cup of coffee will now be priced between $3.80 and $6.44 to keep in line with the wage structure Fair Work Australia had deemed appropriate.
We are a God fearing Christian country celebrating Sunday as a day of rest and penalising those nefarious and pesky coffee shops and indeed their errant heathen customers for serving anything outside of the church’s reflective hours. Sorry about you Jews but you only get minor penalties, not the full bottle Christian penalties. Also sorry, but the rest of you minor God people don’t score penalties unless they happen to fall on Saturday or Sunday. If they do, then feel free to claim them as your own. Pity about all the other religions; casualty of God’s wage war I suppose.
Please ignore the cost of administering this system as you will end up paying for it anyway by one means or another. Sorry about that but we believe in really complicated wage systems designed to ruin weekend business, destroy tourism and limit casual employment to Christian God fearing hours.
Jon Langevad
Deco Bistro Port Melbourne