I HAVE ONE OF THOSE

Major update ...

Following the publication of the below I was attacked by Lady Liz of the Husqvarna Optima 190 appreciation society castigating me for daring to compare horrible electric cars with her beautiful sewing machine by saying her sewing machine ‘has served her faithfully for over 40 years without any problems whatsoever. She [the machine and Lady Liz] have sewn many, many miles of stitches, both straight and narrow and zig-zagged mile upon mile of edging.’ So, rather than tempt the wrath of said seamstress, my euphemistic attempts have morphed to ‘electric ride on mowers’ replacing the ‘nearer to your choice of deity’ Husqvarna..  Yich!

I am conflicted!  Well actually, no I am not.

The Frenzied Lot [FL], with close to zero logic or understanding, want their version of reality and ‘misconstrued fun’ to infect the world.  And, when do they want it?  Now! [Of course].

The FL demand that I capitulate to their idea of a car by ditching ‘Otto’, my beautiful 23 year old classic V12 Mercedes CL600 in favour of a ‘boring as batshit’ sewing machine on wheels electric ride on mower.  An ‘electric vehicle’ as revered by all of like mind.  Unfortunately many like minds do NOT pass muster.

In order ...

1.       Fun.  Yes, fun.  Every day I tootle down to the garage in anticipation of turning the key and listening to Otto’, being my 23 year old Mercedes V12,roar into a life changing growl.  Wow. Just in sheer anticipation alone it’s worth the price of entry.  And, we are still in the garage!

2.       Fun ‘2’.  Let’s face it, in today’s world with speed limits, pot holes and multiple ‘big brothers’ it’s unrealistic to scarper along at 250km per hour.  But, who cares!  All I need to know is that ‘Otto’ can achieve greatness if he so desired.  So, on the open road at 110kmph with the engine barely turning over on cruise control sipping circa 8l per 100 km [35mpg], wallowing in premium leather everything, massage and heated seats on, a mind bending stereo pumping out opera [sorry], the fridge keeping liquid of choice cool and lots of buttons and toys to play with and all at a whisper until, when the urge takes me to pass something.  Noise, speed, bent face and dare I say more fun than you can shake a stick at.  It’s enough to have to pull over and take a deep breath of restorative restitution.  So much for passing but then I can now do it all again.  And, 10 minutes at a petrol station and I can do it all again – again !! Wahoo.

3.       Cost.  Yes, there is a downside.  Otto is a money pit with ageing very very complicated electronics and in-your-face technology sometimes suffering with and from his advanced years.  For example, the computer controlled zero body roll hydraulic suspension is fantastic but repair costs are eye watering as are replacing 24 super expensive tiny spark plugs or a power steering pump which decided to vent its own spleen or a $5 seal on the oil cooler which happens to be in the middle of the engine necessitating engine disassembly or tyres at circa $2k which don’t last long enough.  This is why old ‘super cars’ are cheap-ish to buy but is it worth it?  Absobloodylutely!!   But also remember, ‘EV sewing machines ride on electric mowers’ are also not cheap to produce, run, repair, recycle or indeed just get rid of!

4.       Environment.  This is the greatest con job of all time. According to a British University study on classic cars driving around 20,000km a year, I can drive Otto for 23+ years for the same environmental impact as a new VW Golf sewing machine.  How about that!  I won’t bore you with known science on lithium extraction and real costs of batteries in terms of buggering the planet or the huge costs of dealing with old lithium batteries but, let’s just say the collective moronic hype has overtaken common sense.  

5.       Back to fun.  Life’s too short not to ‘fill every hour with sixty minutes worth of distance run’ [sorry Kipling] so even driving the 9km to work through city traffic is fun.  A daily smile is mandatory – a ‘born again’ psyche enjoying life in spurts. As intimated above, ‘Wahoo’.

6.       Future. Yeah yeah I know.  Fossil fuels are a challenge but so is mining ‘fossil’ lithium and a zillion other ‘issues’ which will be ignored by the FL attempting to justify their position.  The sensible solution for mankind is to develop a renewable cheap bio-fuel which will work in existing petrol-now engines reducing pollution to bugger all.  Then we don’t waste a trillion cars with enormous environmental impact on that trashing. How hard can it be?  Ethanol and hydrogen spring to mind but then I know zip. Perhaps a trillion dollar reward funded by ‘the world’ would jog a few brain cells.

7.       Warning.  Don’t let ‘fun’ pass you by.  Go out and buy an ‘Otto’ even if only for a couple of years.

Humph,

Jon

AIRPORT TRANSPORT LINK

Dear morons,

You know who you are.  You are the multi-generational empty headed pontificators dealing with our much needed ‘airport transport link’.  You are expert at lots of talk and bluster and empty ‘just before election’ political promises but in actual fact, achieve zip.  In my opinion you should be held responsible for decades of obfuscation arising from rhetoric which should be castigated at all levels.  You are incapable of strategic thought preferring to wallow around in minutia whilst proclaiming ‘look at me I’m working hard for you’.  What drivel!

Let me be plain.  There are several key issues which need to be discussed and certain priorities which need to be addressed for the benefit of our collective future.  This is NOT about just laying a few kilometres of track joining Melbourne to the airport as that would be dysfunctional, shallow, noisy, environmentally negative and would fail on every count to advance Victoria.  This is minutia thinking at its worst.

Get your minds out of the everyday and think tourism, pizzazz, low impact, efficiency and ‘wow’.

There is a proven technology called MAGLEV which could zip along at say 600 kmph making the onerous journey from the city to airport take about 3 minutes [slight exaggeration].  Now suspend that magic carpet from overhead low/zero impact stanchions and we have a high tech monorail.  Passengers would be ‘flying’ above the ground.  Wow!

This monorail would be a tourist hit and would put Melbourne on the map as a tech driven city dealing with the future.  Almost zero impact, environmentally fantastic, low noise, fast, exciting and would lob in above ground at Tullamarine in a very showy ‘look at me’ manner.  Wahoo!!   Beam me up Scotty!!

This is a strategic view which encompasses almost zero environmental impact with a ‘let’s put Melbourne on the map’ and lots of WOW.  If you are old enough, think ‘The Jetsons’ cartoon series which was set in 2062.

Always in hope ..

Note that if we weren’t paying circa $30m a day in interest on Victoria’s Labor debt we could build this in a few weeks.

Jon Langevad

THE UNSTABLE LUNATIC FRINGE ALBEIT WITH PLANNED INTENT

I try to keep an open mind  but the juvenile statements Trump espouses as truth whilst seriously expecting people to believe in him is just gobsmacking.  Worse, far worse, people seem to believe him.  This is the ego driven bloke so centred on re-obtaining the presidency his rhetoric is repeated time after time with the same dysinformation.  For example, he is a convicted felon yet continually refers to Biden as ‘crooked Joe’ in an obvious attempt to take the heat off his own convictions.  Yet, people still believe him.  How about that he claimed he was ‘cheated’ out of the last election.  A claim he continually makes yet it has no basis in fact as proven many times by independent analysts.  Yet the morons actually  believe him?

During the last election campaign, which he thankfully lost, he was accused of disenfranchising women yet almost instantly there were women everywhere with placards saying ‘women for Trump’.  This is a shallow as a frypan and an obvious ploy to play down his own proven meandering with porn stars.  Perhaps all the placard holders were porn stars waiting their turn?

There is no doubt that we need to thank the USA for the survival of our current democracies around the globe since WW2 which are being threatened all the time by a whole raft of despots.  Despots with absolute power to do what they want in countries such as Russia, North Korea and China.  Each driven by one man who has pole vaulted himself  above their own law and indeed, even international law.  Now, he is assuming he will win the next election, Trump has put in place the same despot powers without checks and balances wiping out the rule of law and democracy in the process.  Anarchy shines where despots rule!  The American Supreme court is a joke, a laughing stock of any responsible court system as it’s obviously driven by politics.  An independent justice system is of absolute importance wherein political persuasion is ignored yet now we have politically driven presidential immunity for basically anything and it is so onerous and despot driven it’s dangerous.  ‘Oops, did I press the red button killing 100m people?  Oh well, can I have a new button please.  No joke.

Without checks and balances we have say Hitler or Putin both of whom removed any opposition to their ‘career’ by simple people disposal.   Now Trump can legally do the same if elected and he has hinted at doing just that.  Take the ‘insurrection’ as a perfect example.  Now he can lead QAnon without fear of prosecution for any resultant carnage as he is above the law.  Wow!!  Political opposition is not a problem as he can say what he likes and perhaps his dissenters may just ‘disappear’.  Remember Trump campaigners accused Ms Clinton of cannibalism and running a child sex ring during the last election.  This is juvenile crap written by 10 year olds but espoused loudly and often by Trump.  What does that say about his morals and indeed maturity?   One cannot take Trump seriously and, as a possible holder of the red button, he is dangerous beyond belief.  His obvious and planned ‘intent’ is to be able to do what he likes and pardon those who have broken the law at his behest. Please.

A good start to rectify this appalling development would be to recuse the entire Supreme Court bench and start again immediately appealing this judgment.  One rule for all with checks and balances obviating any even slight opportunity for despots to garner a toe hold. 

THE key word is ‘intent’.  Why would Trump seek this onerous power even as far as by and through stacking the Supreme bench with political appointees favouring himself?  The obvious answer is immunity for past deeds and being able to pardon his cronies then  being able to rule with impunity, absolute power and no accountability. 

Is this the future and the death of democracy for a country which has done so much for democracy, world peace and law?  Pity.

A speech written for 'our companion' Daniel Andrews

 Dear adoring peoples of Victoria,

I am worthy of all accolades and supplications from Victorian peoples.  ‘My’ peoples. 

Some may say my department’s complete amnesia over just who ticked off on a $30m ‘security’ expense which contributed to the deaths of around 800 people was inappropriate but I say that money was nothing compared to my new and necessary debt now glad-handed to the people of Victoria costing circa $30m each and every day in just interest alone.  Anyway, 800 is just a blip at the crematorium and not my voters / peoples as they were all old. 

Some say I could have cured homelessness, exposure trauma, crisis accommodation and the general housing crisis with a mere month’s worth of interest payments but please understand I needed to spend more and more on personal staff and fund appropriately under-costed pre-election so called infrastructure and, remember I had to pay over a billion dollars for not building a road and a crazy amount to renege on pre-election promises for the commonwealth games.  And, I needed a pay rise.

Corruption?  All fake news.  Red shirts?  We all have a red shirt – so what!  Anyway the Coates enquiry was handed down December 21 so no one cared just before I wished all my peoples a happy lockdown.  It was indeed unfortunate that the ADF refused to lob tanks on the streets to control the recalcitrant mob wanting a breath of fresh air. 

Still, I had fun giving $19m to Sandringham golf course to build an unnecessary driving range even though it compromised that heritage golf course and bankrupted a few not-my-peoples.  But note, I really needed to close the old but serviceable driving range in order to make a pre-election promise to build a new netball centre ‘for the kiddies’.  Never was a good idea so I abandoned the netball idea just after the election and pulled down all the ‘look at me’ advertising boards.  Close call, nearly had to actually build it.

And please remember, my esteemed labor predecessor John Cain has a stadium named after him for also sending Victoria into a massive debt spiral so it’s only appropriate the peoples of Victoria can now supplicate at my feet beholding my magnificence through my now closer-to-God status for my great works leading my name into history as your ‘companion’.

Daniel Andrews  [insert Royal-ish wave photo]

 

Not actually funny.

AN ALTERNATIVE POINT OF VIEW AND RESPONSE TO ‘RECIPE FOR DISASTER IN HOSPITALITY FORECAST’ PUBLISHED IN THE AGE NEWSPAPER ON MAY 25TH.

From a restaurateur of too many years.

The major issue for aspiring restaurateurs is a lack of understanding of what’s actually required to open their romantic you-beut restaurant where customers line up to savour their galaxy leading cuisine whilst the owner swans around bathing in the glory of their accomplishments.

This is seen as a birth right by many a swanee.

Unfortunately, that’s a fantasy driven by blind romance not wanting to deal with the real world.  If 5,000 restaurants are in danger of collapsing within say 12 months then another 5,000 hopefuls will see an opportunity and shoulder the mantle. Then another 5,000 will drop off the perch and another 5,000 swanee’s will have a whack.  Most are ego driven wannabes who will not take advice and will fail.

Yet, this is exactly the type of people we need, the risk takers who have a vision and are willing to risk the house to fulfill it.  Wow!  Trouble arises when ego takes over from reality.  A restaurant is not about cook and hope, it’s about running a business which happens to be a restaurant.

It’s sort of hard-ish work, mentally and physically challenging but bloody good fun!!

Obviously, negativity sells newspapers but the more we pontificate on doom and gloom the more people believe it and the more they retreat into some sort of protective cave.  Negative and emotive statements in this article such as ‘Do they want to lose their house or go out for breakfast?’ are not helpful and just prove that this quote is there to sell a story rather than deal with reality. 

In terms of restaurants, there will always be doom and gloom perpetrated by those who can’t distinguish between running a business [which happens to be a restaurant] versus just providing tucker and hoping someone turns up.  In the same vein, clients [not mere customers] who risk losing their house because they went out to breakfast is an obfuscation fantasy and are not the clients anyone seeks.  This hasn’t changed.  Restaurants are a business and, the same as any business, target their market to clients who can enjoy the experience.  This hasn’t changed.  No one is suggesting this is foolproof but it’s a long way from the ‘hand wringing set’ of misplaced hope over business savvy.  It’s not easy. This also hasn’t changed.

Covid knocked us all around where takings plummeted by perhaps 75% which forced cost cutting and closures.  The lockdowns in Melbourne were disastrous not helped by the somewhat spurious statistic that restaurant margins are just 4.3%.  Blink and you’re broke. This is insane!!  I don’t know how anyone calculates this figure because no one in their right mind would take on a restaurant or any business with so little margin and zero cash backup.  Yet there are apparently some 36,000 restaurants in Australia.  Perhaps we are all loopy?  Indeed, during covid we were humbled by the support we received as people flocked to get ‘take-home’ just to make sure we survived.  Wow!

We have been in our current restaurant for over 21 years with just the two of us tootling around – [big is not better] sporting a normalised extrapolated ROI [based on a business valuation using internationally recognised capitalised future earnings] of 20%+ after wages whilst open just 30 hours a week, achieving international recognition and enjoying life.  Our total overheads come in at 12% of revenue including rent and our normalised COS is at 30% leaving a nice margin - a far cry from 4.3%!!.  We have almost zero plate waste indicating something is correct and bugger all stock waste.  80%+ repeat clientele also says something I feel.  Indeed, I am 76 and consider work as ‘life affirming’ and fun rather than a hardship.  Wahoo!

Our revenue hasn’t recently shifted by a great deal despite the doom and gloom, margins are very very closely guarded and we don’t charge clients just for using their credit card [being in my opinion a devious and shallow business ethic].  Some idiot said recently that we need to get used to paying $60 for a main course.  What crap.  All that says to me is that they are not running a business, have little understanding of finance and don’t manage margins. Out of control!

Apart from keeping an absolute focus on margins etc there are, in my opinion, three basic tenets to running a restaurant and all the while enjoying life.   Really important – enjoying life!

Firstly, the restaurant’s ambience must absolutely exude at first glance to a potential client ‘I want to be in there enjoying myself’.  Secondly, service must be instant, friendly and professional being focused on the client and their experiential enjoyment.  Thirdly, the menu offerings must be fantastic remembering there are 35,999 other restaurants where people can spend their dollar.  As an adjunct, ‘specialise’ in something which will differentiate you from the rabble.

Note that food is last!!  Creating and running a business is first and that business must understand people and margins.  Not until then does food rear its glorious head.  Clients want a total experience they can salivate over in all aspects. 

The restaurateur wants a good life.

At the end of the day, we enjoy people by providing an experience which cracks the smile dial. It doesn’t matter what it is but, love what you do and do it well!!  We, at least, love what we do.

I HAD ONE OF THOSE #1 Triumph Herald

 EIGHTEEN AND HORMONALLY STRICKEN

Eighteen, hormonal, virgin drivers license and, no money.

The last six years spent salivating, dreaming and pouring over every car magazine known to spotty youth, Ferraris, Porsches, Mercedes, MG’s and all things exotic.  Still no money.

Dad, that bloke who wouldn’t let me take the company car for a cobweb blowing spin on getting said license, did indeed save my teenage ego by offering to buy my first car.  One of my friends had a Humber Snipe and another had been given an almost new Holden Palais.  I suggested anything with a soft top of British origin would be acceptable.  Names like MG and Healy were subtly dropped in polite conversation whilst he who had the money was spruiking solid, dependable, staid, sedan, cheap bits and reliable.  It was an interesting dichotomous non-debate.

Then the moment of glory came.  Off we tootled down to a Mentone car yard.  Me in the passenger’s seat with elbow out the window trying to look cool and make up for the ignominy of actually being driven by my father when it was obvious to anyone, I was a driver!

Then, the moment. I was presented with an off-white British two door sport-ish Triumph Herald.  What happened to the Healy, the MG, the TVR,  I was beside myself with horror, joy, envy, gutted, excited and all feelings teenage.  But it was mine – let me repeat that – mine!

No more begging for the company car, no more being locked away with no wheels and no more shame.  I was eighteen plus one day.  I had suffered a whole day.

But, finally, in the mainstream of life with my very own car.  Being 18, a boy and suffering manifestly latent maturity I decided to remove the roof to create a convertible except it wasn’t really a convertible because there was no soft-top.  Therefore when it rained I had three choices – firstly use an umbrella [note to self - holding an umbrella over head whilst driving is a real bugger], secondly drive like crazy to get home to bolt the roof back on or hide out in a service station.  Several umbrellas later, accusations of loitering and traffic lights stopping the drive like crazy bit, all resulted in yet another soaking.  Not very alluring to the opposite gender me thought.

So to remedy the alluring conundrum, I needed a real convertible with an actual folding roof.

[1 of 27 vignettes trolled from a history of cars owned and driven]

I HAD ONE OF THOSE - #16 VW beetle

THE FLUFFY DUCK 

Quite a few years ago I was minding my own business in a Porsche 911 going way way too fast near the Queensland border.  Unfortunately, and unbeknown to me, I was being tracked by a police plane which resulted in me buying a push bike.  In order to keep within the law I [after license replacement] bought a 1958 VW beetle which would only do 103kmph down hill with a tailwind.  This was a ‘fun’ car and semi indestructible.  Named the 'fluffy duck' by a service station attendant primarily because he was yellow. Indeed, the kids could play havoc on the back vinyl bench whilst I concentrated on finding gears with the too floppy gearstick.  Sometimes, any gear would do!  The front window 1/4 vents also proved invaluable to move vast quantities of air from the front seats backwards over very smelly kids who unfortunately thought passing wind was a national sport.  Indeed, it even had a surfboard on the roof – permanently of course as actually using same was never a sane plan. Inside, there was always a pseudo sand pit growing from lots of sandy feet but fortunately, the area was self cleaning as rust had managed to provide drain holes / air vents through which sand cascaded and small items of excruciating kids importance disappeared forever.  Indeed, no point in macho drags at traffic lights as the car taught and demanded humility, acquiescence and mind numbing patience.  Eventually I sold it to the local policeman and bought a Ferrari but in hindsight, the beetle was far more fun! 

[1 of 27 vignettes trolled from a history of cars owned and driven]

AT 75 [BUGGER]

 

Denial is rife and even basic acceptance is ignored. 75?  No way bucko - I was only 25 yesterday or was that 50 years ago?

I am told to retire?  ‘Retire’ is a foreign state of mind which implies we are now unable and/or incapable of actually contributing to life but preferring to languish in self pity because we are now officially old.  What bullshit!  I retired-ish 20 years ago but that didn’t work as I was champing at the bit to do something constructive and meaningful, not just gawk around the planet at ‘stuff’.  Indeed after just 6 months of ‘stuff’ I was back on the saddle!

We have seen a lot of ‘stuff’ over the years and for this we are very grateful but, it’s no substitute for doing something which others appreciate and tell you so.  Smiles all round.

Some call this ‘work’ but I call it life affirming. 

FOMO AND THE STUPID CLASS

 

For an afternoons entertainment park yourself near a tram stop and watch people’s behaviour with mobile phones.  Step off the tram and not a second goes by until the mobile is whipped out and held in front of an expectant face at a constant viewing angle just in case there may be a life affirming message.  ‘Look at me look at me as i am so important I have to be on constant communication.  Then the real gymnastics start when walking is added to the mobile activity albeit all the while with phone at the ready  - FOMO is alive and well and is disarming and possibly dangerous.

IN THE FAST LANE

 

I want to congratulate all those drivers who stick to the so called ‘fast’ albeit congested inside lane on a two lane road.  Why? Because it leaves the left ‘slow outside’ passing lane uncongested just for me.  I suppose I should also thank all the parents teaching their offspring to always stick to that congested fast lane and the driving instructors who exacerbate this habit.  A good healthy dose of self entitlement drives [pun intended – sorry] their fierce determination to always be in the fast inside lane despite an empty faster lane right next to them. ‘Look at me, I’m in my fast lane asserting my rights.’  Please, let there be police who fine drivers by and through a mandatory advanced driver course for inappropriately sticking to the inside lane.