AIRPORT TRANSPORT LINK

Dear morons,

You know who you are.  You are the multi-generational empty headed pontificators dealing with our much needed ‘airport transport link’.  You are expert at lots of talk and bluster and empty ‘just before election’ political promises but in actual fact, achieve zip.  In my opinion you should be held responsible for decades of obfuscation arising from rhetoric which should be castigated at all levels.  You are incapable of strategic thought preferring to wallow around in minutia whilst proclaiming ‘look at me I’m working hard for you’.  What drivel!

Let me be plain.  There are several key issues which need to be discussed and certain priorities which need to be addressed for the benefit of our collective future.  This is NOT about just laying a few kilometres of track joining Melbourne to the airport as that would be dysfunctional, shallow, noisy, environmentally negative and would fail on every count to advance Victoria.  This is minutia thinking at its worst.

Get your minds out of the everyday and think tourism, pizzazz, low impact, efficiency and ‘wow’.

There is a proven technology called MAGLEV which could zip along at say 600 kmph making the onerous journey from the city to airport take about 3 minutes [slight exaggeration].  Now suspend that magic carpet from overhead low/zero impact stanchions and we have a high tech monorail.  Passengers would be ‘flying’ above the ground.  Wow!

This monorail would be a tourist hit and would put Melbourne on the map as a tech driven city dealing with the future.  Almost zero impact, environmentally fantastic, low noise, fast, exciting and would lob in above ground at Tullamarine in a very showy ‘look at me’ manner.  Wahoo!!   Beam me up Scotty!!

This is a strategic view which encompasses almost zero environmental impact with a ‘let’s put Melbourne on the map’ and lots of WOW.  If you are old enough, think ‘The Jetsons’ cartoon series which was set in 2062.

Always in hope ..

Note that if we weren’t paying circa $30m a day in interest on Victoria’s Labor debt we could build this in a few weeks.

Jon Langevad

THE UNSTABLE LUNATIC FRINGE ALBEIT WITH PLANNED INTENT

I try to keep an open mind  but the juvenile statements Trump espouses as truth whilst seriously expecting people to believe in him is just gobsmacking.  Worse, far worse, people seem to believe him.  This is the ego driven bloke so centred on re-obtaining the presidency his rhetoric is repeated time after time with the same dysinformation.  For example, he is a convicted felon yet continually refers to Biden as ‘crooked Joe’ in an obvious attempt to take the heat off his own convictions.  Yet, people still believe him.  How about that he claimed he was ‘cheated’ out of the last election.  A claim he continually makes yet it has no basis in fact as proven many times by independent analysts.  Yet the morons actually  believe him?

During the last election campaign, which he thankfully lost, he was accused of disenfranchising women yet almost instantly there were women everywhere with placards saying ‘women for Trump’.  This is a shallow as a frypan and an obvious ploy to play down his own proven meandering with porn stars.  Perhaps all the placard holders were porn stars waiting their turn?

There is no doubt that we need to thank the USA for the survival of our current democracies around the globe since WW2 which are being threatened all the time by a whole raft of despots.  Despots with absolute power to do what they want in countries such as Russia, North Korea and China.  Each driven by one man who has pole vaulted himself  above their own law and indeed, even international law.  Now, he is assuming he will win the next election, Trump has put in place the same despot powers without checks and balances wiping out the rule of law and democracy in the process.  Anarchy shines where despots rule!  The American Supreme court is a joke, a laughing stock of any responsible court system as it’s obviously driven by politics.  An independent justice system is of absolute importance wherein political persuasion is ignored yet now we have politically driven presidential immunity for basically anything and it is so onerous and despot driven it’s dangerous.  ‘Oops, did I press the red button killing 100m people?  Oh well, can I have a new button please.  No joke.

Without checks and balances we have say Hitler or Putin both of whom removed any opposition to their ‘career’ by simple people disposal.   Now Trump can legally do the same if elected and he has hinted at doing just that.  Take the ‘insurrection’ as a perfect example.  Now he can lead QAnon without fear of prosecution for any resultant carnage as he is above the law.  Wow!!  Political opposition is not a problem as he can say what he likes and perhaps his dissenters may just ‘disappear’.  Remember Trump campaigners accused Ms Clinton of cannibalism and running a child sex ring during the last election.  This is juvenile crap written by 10 year olds but espoused loudly and often by Trump.  What does that say about his morals and indeed maturity?   One cannot take Trump seriously and, as a possible holder of the red button, he is dangerous beyond belief.  His obvious and planned ‘intent’ is to be able to do what he likes and pardon those who have broken the law at his behest. Please.

A good start to rectify this appalling development would be to recuse the entire Supreme Court bench and start again immediately appealing this judgment.  One rule for all with checks and balances obviating any even slight opportunity for despots to garner a toe hold. 

THE key word is ‘intent’.  Why would Trump seek this onerous power even as far as by and through stacking the Supreme bench with political appointees favouring himself?  The obvious answer is immunity for past deeds and being able to pardon his cronies then  being able to rule with impunity, absolute power and no accountability. 

Is this the future and the death of democracy for a country which has done so much for democracy, world peace and law?  Pity.

A speech written for 'our companion' Daniel Andrews

 Dear adoring peoples of Victoria,

I am worthy of all accolades and supplications from Victorian peoples.  ‘My’ peoples. 

Some may say my department’s complete amnesia over just who ticked off on a $30m ‘security’ expense which contributed to the deaths of around 800 people was inappropriate but I say that money was nothing compared to my new and necessary debt now glad-handed to the people of Victoria costing circa $30m each and every day in just interest alone.  Anyway, 800 is just a blip at the crematorium and not my voters / peoples as they were all old. 

Some say I could have cured homelessness, exposure trauma, crisis accommodation and the general housing crisis with a mere month’s worth of interest payments but please understand I needed to spend more and more on personal staff and fund appropriately under-costed pre-election so called infrastructure and, remember I had to pay over a billion dollars for not building a road and a crazy amount to renege on pre-election promises for the commonwealth games.  And, I needed a pay rise.

Corruption?  All fake news.  Red shirts?  We all have a red shirt – so what!  Anyway the Coates enquiry was handed down December 21 so no one cared just before I wished all my peoples a happy lockdown.  It was indeed unfortunate that the ADF refused to lob tanks on the streets to control the recalcitrant mob wanting a breath of fresh air. 

Still, I had fun giving $19m to Sandringham golf course to build an unnecessary driving range even though it compromised that heritage golf course and bankrupted a few not-my-peoples.  But note, I really needed to close the old but serviceable driving range in order to make a pre-election promise to build a new netball centre ‘for the kiddies’.  Never was a good idea so I abandoned the netball idea just after the election and pulled down all the ‘look at me’ advertising boards.  Close call, nearly had to actually build it.

And please remember, my esteemed labor predecessor John Cain has a stadium named after him for also sending Victoria into a massive debt spiral so it’s only appropriate the peoples of Victoria can now supplicate at my feet beholding my magnificence through my now closer-to-God status for my great works leading my name into history as your ‘companion’.

Daniel Andrews  [insert Royal-ish wave photo]

 

Not actually funny.

AN ALTERNATIVE POINT OF VIEW AND RESPONSE TO ‘RECIPE FOR DISASTER IN HOSPITALITY FORECAST’ PUBLISHED IN THE AGE NEWSPAPER ON MAY 25TH.

From a restaurateur of too many years.

The major issue for aspiring restaurateurs is a lack of understanding of what’s actually required to open their romantic you-beut restaurant where customers line up to savour their galaxy leading cuisine whilst the owner swans around bathing in the glory of their accomplishments.

This is seen as a birth right by many a swanee.

Unfortunately, that’s a fantasy driven by blind romance not wanting to deal with the real world.  If 5,000 restaurants are in danger of collapsing within say 12 months then another 5,000 hopefuls will see an opportunity and shoulder the mantle. Then another 5,000 will drop off the perch and another 5,000 swanee’s will have a whack.  Most are ego driven wannabes who will not take advice and will fail.

Yet, this is exactly the type of people we need, the risk takers who have a vision and are willing to risk the house to fulfill it.  Wow!  Trouble arises when ego takes over from reality.  A restaurant is not about cook and hope, it’s about running a business which happens to be a restaurant.

It’s sort of hard-ish work, mentally and physically challenging but bloody good fun!!

Obviously, negativity sells newspapers but the more we pontificate on doom and gloom the more people believe it and the more they retreat into some sort of protective cave.  Negative and emotive statements in this article such as ‘Do they want to lose their house or go out for breakfast?’ are not helpful and just prove that this quote is there to sell a story rather than deal with reality. 

In terms of restaurants, there will always be doom and gloom perpetrated by those who can’t distinguish between running a business [which happens to be a restaurant] versus just providing tucker and hoping someone turns up.  In the same vein, clients [not mere customers] who risk losing their house because they went out to breakfast is an obfuscation fantasy and are not the clients anyone seeks.  This hasn’t changed.  Restaurants are a business and, the same as any business, target their market to clients who can enjoy the experience.  This hasn’t changed.  No one is suggesting this is foolproof but it’s a long way from the ‘hand wringing set’ of misplaced hope over business savvy.  It’s not easy. This also hasn’t changed.

Covid knocked us all around where takings plummeted by perhaps 75% which forced cost cutting and closures.  The lockdowns in Melbourne were disastrous not helped by the somewhat spurious statistic that restaurant margins are just 4.3%.  Blink and you’re broke. This is insane!!  I don’t know how anyone calculates this figure because no one in their right mind would take on a restaurant or any business with so little margin and zero cash backup.  Yet there are apparently some 36,000 restaurants in Australia.  Perhaps we are all loopy?  Indeed, during covid we were humbled by the support we received as people flocked to get ‘take-home’ just to make sure we survived.  Wow!

We have been in our current restaurant for over 21 years with just the two of us tootling around – [big is not better] sporting a normalised extrapolated ROI [based on a business valuation using internationally recognised capitalised future earnings] of 20%+ after wages whilst open just 30 hours a week, achieving international recognition and enjoying life.  Our total overheads come in at 12% of revenue including rent and our normalised COS is at 30% leaving a nice margin - a far cry from 4.3%!!.  We have almost zero plate waste indicating something is correct and bugger all stock waste.  80%+ repeat clientele also says something I feel.  Indeed, I am 76 and consider work as ‘life affirming’ and fun rather than a hardship.  Wahoo!

Our revenue hasn’t recently shifted by a great deal despite the doom and gloom, margins are very very closely guarded and we don’t charge clients just for using their credit card [being in my opinion a devious and shallow business ethic].  Some idiot said recently that we need to get used to paying $60 for a main course.  What crap.  All that says to me is that they are not running a business, have little understanding of finance and don’t manage margins. Out of control!

Apart from keeping an absolute focus on margins etc there are, in my opinion, three basic tenets to running a restaurant and all the while enjoying life.   Really important – enjoying life!

Firstly, the restaurant’s ambience must absolutely exude at first glance to a potential client ‘I want to be in there enjoying myself’.  Secondly, service must be instant, friendly and professional being focused on the client and their experiential enjoyment.  Thirdly, the menu offerings must be fantastic remembering there are 35,999 other restaurants where people can spend their dollar.  As an adjunct, ‘specialise’ in something which will differentiate you from the rabble.

Note that food is last!!  Creating and running a business is first and that business must understand people and margins.  Not until then does food rear its glorious head.  Clients want a total experience they can salivate over in all aspects. 

The restaurateur wants a good life.

At the end of the day, we enjoy people by providing an experience which cracks the smile dial. It doesn’t matter what it is but, love what you do and do it well!!  We, at least, love what we do.

I HAD ONE OF THOSE #1 Triumph Herald

 EIGHTEEN AND HORMONALLY STRICKEN

Eighteen, hormonal, virgin drivers license and, no money.

The last six years spent salivating, dreaming and pouring over every car magazine known to spotty youth, Ferraris, Porsches, Mercedes, MG’s and all things exotic.  Still no money.

Dad, that bloke who wouldn’t let me take the company car for a cobweb blowing spin on getting said license, did indeed save my teenage ego by offering to buy my first car.  One of my friends had a Humber Snipe and another had been given an almost new Holden Palais.  I suggested anything with a soft top of British origin would be acceptable.  Names like MG and Healy were subtly dropped in polite conversation whilst he who had the money was spruiking solid, dependable, staid, sedan, cheap bits and reliable.  It was an interesting dichotomous non-debate.

Then the moment of glory came.  Off we tootled down to a Mentone car yard.  Me in the passenger’s seat with elbow out the window trying to look cool and make up for the ignominy of actually being driven by my father when it was obvious to anyone, I was a driver!

Then, the moment. I was presented with an off-white British two door sport-ish Triumph Herald.  What happened to the Healy, the MG, the TVR,  I was beside myself with horror, joy, envy, gutted, excited and all feelings teenage.  But it was mine – let me repeat that – mine!

No more begging for the company car, no more being locked away with no wheels and no more shame.  I was eighteen plus one day.  I had suffered a whole day.

But, finally, in the mainstream of life with my very own car.  Being 18, a boy and suffering manifestly latent maturity I decided to remove the roof to create a convertible except it wasn’t really a convertible because there was no soft-top.  Therefore when it rained I had three choices – firstly use an umbrella [note to self - holding an umbrella over head whilst driving is a real bugger], secondly drive like crazy to get home to bolt the roof back on or hide out in a service station.  Several umbrellas later, accusations of loitering and traffic lights stopping the drive like crazy bit, all resulted in yet another soaking.  Not very alluring to the opposite gender me thought.

So to remedy the alluring conundrum, I needed a real convertible with an actual folding roof.

[1 of 27 vignettes trolled from a history of cars owned and driven]

I HAD ONE OF THOSE - #16 VW beetle

THE FLUFFY DUCK 

Quite a few years ago I was minding my own business in a Porsche 911 going way way too fast near the Queensland border.  Unfortunately, and unbeknown to me, I was being tracked by a police plane which resulted in me buying a push bike.  In order to keep within the law I [after license replacement] bought a 1958 VW beetle which would only do 103kmph down hill with a tailwind.  This was a ‘fun’ car and semi indestructible.  Named the 'fluffy duck' by a service station attendant primarily because he was yellow. Indeed, the kids could play havoc on the back vinyl bench whilst I concentrated on finding gears with the too floppy gearstick.  Sometimes, any gear would do!  The front window 1/4 vents also proved invaluable to move vast quantities of air from the front seats backwards over very smelly kids who unfortunately thought passing wind was a national sport.  Indeed, it even had a surfboard on the roof – permanently of course as actually using same was never a sane plan. Inside, there was always a pseudo sand pit growing from lots of sandy feet but fortunately, the area was self cleaning as rust had managed to provide drain holes / air vents through which sand cascaded and small items of excruciating kids importance disappeared forever.  Indeed, no point in macho drags at traffic lights as the car taught and demanded humility, acquiescence and mind numbing patience.  Eventually I sold it to the local policeman and bought a Ferrari but in hindsight, the beetle was far more fun! 

[1 of 27 vignettes trolled from a history of cars owned and driven]

AT 75 [BUGGER]

 

Denial is rife and even basic acceptance is ignored. 75?  No way bucko - I was only 25 yesterday or was that 50 years ago?

I am told to retire?  ‘Retire’ is a foreign state of mind which implies we are now unable and/or incapable of actually contributing to life but preferring to languish in self pity because we are now officially old.  What bullshit!  I retired-ish 20 years ago but that didn’t work as I was champing at the bit to do something constructive and meaningful, not just gawk around the planet at ‘stuff’.  Indeed after just 6 months of ‘stuff’ I was back on the saddle!

We have seen a lot of ‘stuff’ over the years and for this we are very grateful but, it’s no substitute for doing something which others appreciate and tell you so.  Smiles all round.

Some call this ‘work’ but I call it life affirming. 

FOMO AND THE STUPID CLASS

 

For an afternoons entertainment park yourself near a tram stop and watch people’s behaviour with mobile phones.  Step off the tram and not a second goes by until the mobile is whipped out and held in front of an expectant face at a constant viewing angle just in case there may be a life affirming message.  ‘Look at me look at me as i am so important I have to be on constant communication.  Then the real gymnastics start when walking is added to the mobile activity albeit all the while with phone at the ready  - FOMO is alive and well and is disarming and possibly dangerous.

IN THE FAST LANE

 

I want to congratulate all those drivers who stick to the so called ‘fast’ albeit congested inside lane on a two lane road.  Why? Because it leaves the left ‘slow outside’ passing lane uncongested just for me.  I suppose I should also thank all the parents teaching their offspring to always stick to that congested fast lane and the driving instructors who exacerbate this habit.  A good healthy dose of self entitlement drives [pun intended – sorry] their fierce determination to always be in the fast inside lane despite an empty faster lane right next to them. ‘Look at me, I’m in my fast lane asserting my rights.’  Please, let there be police who fine drivers by and through a mandatory advanced driver course for inappropriately sticking to the inside lane.

SUB CLASS

 

SUB CLASS

We are at risk of developing a new ‘sub’ class of people bent on self entitlement.  These people only see their world through their own eyes and are oblivious to the needs of those around them. 

Indeed, there are several ‘pointers’ which identify them as needing to be ‘the one’ or the ‘centre’.

Such as backing into car spaces expecting all traffic to stop to feed their desire to reverse in instead of driving forward into a car space without holding up traffic and reversing out when there is a gap in that traffic. And, they get easy access to their boot.  Simple.  This is particularly prevalent at South Melbourne market where the stupid class back in then realising they can’t load their shopping they have to drive forward into the traffic to open the boot.  Not very intelligent.  I have even seen morons backing into 60 degree parks - always at the expense of other road users.

How about these same people adorning their cars with tinted windows so dark they have difficulty seeing out.  I have been hit by such a goose backing straight into me.  You couldn’t see anyone in his car as the windows were nearly black.  This is close to insanity.

These same people also believe their bodily needs must be met by everyone else.  They believe they have a right to use the toilets in any restaurant despite not being a customer thereby proving a complete misunderstanding of ‘private’ property.  They refuse to accept the fact that any person in a restaurant is there as a result of an invitation by the restaurateur.   It’s not public access.  Perhaps they should advertise their own house as a public toilet.

Another, this sub class also has a speech impediment through and by the use of the word ‘like’ which they can annunciate as many as 5 times in one sentence.  Why?  Perhaps it’s a bit ‘like’ [properly used as a conjunction] saying ‘ummm’ or ‘errrr’ to retain the no gaps in their own personal need to maintain primacy through their speaking agenda. They believe their opinion is so important that everyone will want to hear what they have to say but to make sure ‘like’ is used in speech as an adverb and a meaningless filler and/or to signify the speaker's uncertainty about an expression just used.  In other words, of zero value but designed to keep attention on the speaker.  Like, who cares?

Then, the whole ‘look at me’ concept of share plates in a restaurant.  I watched one hero demand 8 share plates for 3 scallops which he diligently cut up and served to his lesser dining companions lauding their gratitude for a cold, minuscule and inappropriate morsel.  He believed he was ‘entitled’ to demand the restaurant at their cost provide extra everything so he could feed his ego.

Lastly, a further speech impediment proving the often loud self entitled are unable to use the language instead replacing adjectives with expletives.  Swearing is inappropriate and it identifies an idiot.  Swearing is not a part of normal speech except if self entitlement takes over from social norms.  Add people feeling the need to shout a conversation and see a person with a self entitled view of their own self.  ‘Look at me – I’m talking loudly so you mere mortals can bath in my magnificent oratory.’

Like yish!!