A speech written for 'our companion' Daniel Andrews

 Dear adoring peoples of Victoria,

I am worthy of all accolades and supplications from Victorian peoples.  ‘My’ peoples. 

Some may say my department’s complete amnesia over just who ticked off on a $30m ‘security’ expense which contributed to the deaths of around 800 people was inappropriate but I say that money was nothing compared to my new and necessary debt now glad-handed to the people of Victoria costing circa $30m each and every day in just interest alone.  Anyway, 800 is just a blip at the crematorium and not my voters / peoples as they were all old. 

Some say I could have cured homelessness, exposure trauma, crisis accommodation and the general housing crisis with a mere month’s worth of interest payments but please understand I needed to spend more and more on personal staff and fund appropriately under-costed pre-election so called infrastructure and, remember I had to pay over a billion dollars for not building a road and a crazy amount to renege on pre-election promises for the commonwealth games.  And, I needed a pay rise.

Corruption?  All fake news.  Red shirts?  We all have a red shirt – so what!  Anyway the Coates enquiry was handed down December 21 so no one cared just before I wished all my peoples a happy lockdown.  It was indeed unfortunate that the ADF refused to lob tanks on the streets to control the recalcitrant mob wanting a breath of fresh air. 

Still, I had fun giving $19m to Sandringham golf course to build an unnecessary driving range even though it compromised that heritage golf course and bankrupted a few not-my-peoples.  But note, I really needed to close the old but serviceable driving range in order to make a pre-election promise to build a new netball centre ‘for the kiddies’.  Never was a good idea so I abandoned the netball idea just after the election and pulled down all the ‘look at me’ advertising boards.  Close call, nearly had to actually build it.

And please remember, my esteemed labor predecessor John Cain has a stadium named after him for also sending Victoria into a massive debt spiral so it’s only appropriate the peoples of Victoria can now supplicate at my feet beholding my magnificence through my now closer-to-God status for my great works leading my name into history as your ‘companion’.

Daniel Andrews  [insert Royal-ish wave photo]

 

Not actually funny.